I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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