I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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