I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
