I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
