I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
