I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize