I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
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I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
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I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.