So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo