We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"