Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
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We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
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Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?