my phone needs a breathalizer
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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