glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
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If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
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Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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