Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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