I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
