Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
