my phone needs a breathalizer
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
