so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
