You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
