We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
