Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
