Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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