Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
