I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
