she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
