I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
