Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
