walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
