I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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