Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
