Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
