Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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