sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
