I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
