Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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