Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
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What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
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My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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