So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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