a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
