Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
