and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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