Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea