Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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