I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.