did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
