Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
How's work?
Spinning.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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