Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
