Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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