His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
