I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
