I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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