Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
