Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
