based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i was born a porn star she said
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
