The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
