is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
