Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
