fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
