just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
