Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
organizing the empties. That sober.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
