he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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