I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
