Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
well you can't waste a boner
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
