I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
