There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i've created a new STD.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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