Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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