guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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